Noticing
- diane terry
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
February 2026: Be Kind to Yoursel
Dear Readers,
I am at a loss as to where the month of January went. Usually I am doing a lot of executing on things I planned in November for the new year. But with daily bombardment of insanity in the news, I fell into a deep lethargy. Even the simplest of tasks seemed to get pushed off. By the time you read this, I will be half way home from a four day vacation at Whistler to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. It feels good to be in a safe country where I don’t have to worry about myself or anyone around me being detained without cause. It feels surreal to even type that.
I think traditionally many of us equate February with Valentines or Love. It is interesting for us to be traveling with Kelley and her fiancée, Danny. The newly in love.
Mr 🦊and I have 42 years under our belts now. I remember in the very early years before he knew me well, there were grand gestures of love. A dozen red roses once a week to the office till I had to beg him to stop. I recall our first romantic Valentine dinner at The Adriatica on Dexter, where he had arranged for a gold Rolex that came out with dessert. A Plus for effort, but totally off the mark. That was the biggest miss. The biggest hit was probably not on Valentines but the first of many snow days at the Queen Anne house, he would slip out of the house while I was asleep and stomp out I ♥️ You!, in the faculty parking lot of SCDS. That still makes my heart skip a beat. But honestly what I appreciate the most is his consistency and reliability and bringing me coffee in the morning. We can go for hours and days without a real conversation but soft eyes, holding hands and sending each other IG posts we find funny or pertinent while sitting right next to each other. Love in 2026.
I usually save articles and posts that I want to share with you by the month. When I looked in Feb 2026, there was a great article about how in Japan, love is not defined by passion, grand romance or bouquets of flowers. Rather it is defined by respect for personal space. The ability to sit together for hours in silence is a sign of depth in the relationship. Love does not require you to always be together. In fact it is normal for married couples to sleep in separate beds, have separate vacations & pursue separate interests. Independence is not a betrayal. What matters most is not interfering with each other’s essence.
Happiness is not something demanded of the other person, but the peace you bring into the relationship. Divorce rates are lower, there are fewer emotional breakdowns and less burnout. Perhaps because relationships are not built on consumption but on respect. On quiet care. On giving each other the freedom to simply be.
I think a few things I have learned along the way is to never assume you know how the other is thinking but to always have a curiosity about what they might be feeling or thinking. We are all constantly growing and evolving. And how wonderful does it feel to be asked if you still like something the way you have in the past. Don’t assume.
And finally, last but not least, it is equally important to know the difference between honesty and saying everything little thing you think. They are not the same.
Sometimes in a long term relationship, what you don’t say keeps your love alive more than what you do say. Choose intimacy over impulse. The one time I went to a marriage counselor, he said, “You can be right or you can be married. You get to decide which is more important to you.”. Gulp.
The next time you are tempted to say what is on your mind, put some metaphorical duct tape over your mouth and take a breath. Don’t say stuff in the heat of the moment that cannot be taken back. Leave the room, take a walk, take a beat and ask yourself if you are able to express yourself in a way that is going to move the relationship forward or is it just going to make you feel better for a nanosecond.
I am not saying stuff the feelings down. How you feel matters. And you should be able to share your thoughts safely, kindly, vulnerably and with self-ownership.
Being married or in a long term relationship is not easy. Here is a great list of reminders I found on my Pinterest Board. Sorry I cannot find the author. It says that most of us waste precious moments we have with our loved ones without making a teensy weensy bit more effort to:
Say a kind thing, instead of a snarky thing or not at all.
Reach out a hand across the table or touch a shoulder in passing.
Kiss the slightest bit longer or more fully.
Hold your tongue when you have the urge to snap or criticize.
Slow down on a rushed day for a hug.
Listen fully for a few more seconds to the other person’s words with total presence.
Share words of appreciation for no reason at all but that the person is in your life.
Forgive their little transgressions. Give them permission to be flawed humans and come back to remembering your love for them.
And if you happen to not have a significant other at the moment, I have not forgotten you! This is a post on “noticing” that I saved to share from the Perfume & Letters Substack. I hope you enjoy it:
I’ve always known how to notice when others are tired, lost, or hurting. I’m still learning how to notice it in myself and not look away when I do.
I notice when others are tired, lost, or hurting. I sense it in their words, their silence, the way they move through the day. But when it comes to myself, I don’t always notice or maybe I do, and I choose not to.
For a long time, I believed that helping myself meant I had given up. That it meant I couldn’t handle life on my own. Somewhere in my head, self-care became a weak sensation like doing something good for myself was a sign that I wasn’t strong enough.
Audre Lorde: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.”
Along the way, I learned that resting feels like quitting. That asking for help feels like failure.
So I kept going. Pushing. Ignoring the signs. Convincing myself that food and sleep were enough, that I was “doing something” for myself just by surviving.
But food and sleep are not always enough for the body. And they are definitely not enough for the mind.
When I felt like it wasn’t enough, I turned to things that seemed to work for others…smoking, avoiding, pretending I didn’t feel it. Ignoring myself became easier than listening. And it worked, until it didn’t. Until it was too late. Until I got used to living in a way that cost me more than I realized.
Then, when I had to push myself again, I wasn’t just tired I was empty. Recovery took longer. Pulling myself back took more strength than stopping ever would have.
Brené Brown:“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”
Helping myself isn’t turning my back on the world. It’s making sure I don’t disappear in it.
Real help doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s small, almost boring. A shower. A walk. Writing it out. Sitting still. Saying I can’t do everything today without turning it into a punishment.
Glennon Doyle:“Rest is not a reward. Rest is a right.”
These are reminders for me, and for anyone who needs them.
Helping others should never come before helping yourself. Not because you’re selfish, but because no one knows your body and your mind the way you do. You know when something feels wrong. You know when it hurts. And you’re allowed to respond to that.
I would never rush someone who’s hurting. I would never tell them to “just get over it.” I’m learning not to rush myself either.
Rupi Kaur: “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”
Offering help to myself also means letting others carry some of the weight when I can’t. Strength isn’t doing everything alone, it’s knowing when to stop pretending you’re fine.
So if someone needs help, I’ll offer it. And if that someone is me, I won’t look away anymore.
Helping myself means helping who I am now, who I was as a kid, and who I’ll become one day. So I’m learning to offer help without waiting for permission.
To notice myself the way I notice others. And to stay, even when it would be easier to walk away from my own needs.
I may not be single but that really spoke to me.
Finally here is a book that is on my To-Be Read for February. The heart shaped tin cover caught my eye. Hopefully I’m able to find some time in the chaos or at least one of you lovely readers can catch me up. :)
Bee Wilson
One August day, months after her marriage abruptly ended, a heart-shaped baking tin fell at Bee Wilson’s feet: the same one she had used to bake her wedding cake twenty-three years prior. This discovery struck a wave of emotions that propelled her in search of others who have attached magical and personal properties to the objects in their kitchens. The Heart-Shaped Tin is a celebration of the fundamentally human urge to keep mementos, even in an increasingly rational age. It will change the way you look at both precious family heirlooms and humble household objects.
Both literally and figuratively the world is very dark outside. I hope you find time, like I have, to spend time with the ones you love. These little moments of joy give us the strength to keep pushing forward.
XOXO,
Coach Diane
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All artwork for 2026 is by Seattle artist, Anna Brones.
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